Guideline for surviving life at Akatsuki
by AkatsukiRockz
Summary: Captive turned forced member/maid of Akatsuki writes a list of rules for anyone else who is taken in to follow should she not be around to tell them herself. Rated T for future chapters. Sorry about the bad summary.
1. Rules 1 to 10

Guidelines for surviving life at Akatsuki 1-10

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazzi Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers).

1) Do not come up with stupid nicknames for the members  
>(being held captive has advantages...or maybe the thought of Kisame's cooking)<br>-Deidara: barbie  
>-Tobi: lollipop guild<br>-Kisame: radioactive sushi bar  
>-Zetsu: lily<br>-Leader: Geisha (don't ask)

2) Do not assign theme songs to members  
>-Man, I feel like a woman (cant even sing it any more cause Deidara goes crazy)<br>-I'm blue (hehe never thought Kisame had that much self control)  
>-I feel pretty (Hidan made the mistake of listening to me sing the first half of the song and then started singing about himself...until I told everyone but him the rest of the lyrics and he didn't get why everyone was snickering)<p>

3) Never EVER chase Zetsu around with a container labeled "Weed Killer"  
>(while amusing as this is to watch when he realizes that its just water you're on your own)<p>

4) Pick pocketing Kakuzu is also not a good idea  
>(managed to survive only due to the fact that Leader dragged him off for a mission)<p>

5) NEVER any candy onto the Akatsuki base  
>(he's hyper enough as it is, no matter where you hide it he will find it and then all hell will break loose)<p>

6) Anything involving fire is to be given to Leader immediately especially if it's Deidara  
>(Leader is tired of having to find new bases every time you blow up one)<p>

7) Do not go into any member's room and wake them up with a blow horn

8) No pranking other member including:  
>-hand in warm water<br>-drawing pictures on others faces when they are passed out from drinking  
>-"1-2-4" pig prank has already been done<br>-etc

9) All super glue is to be given to Leader or Sasori  
>(NO exceptions)<br>(Hidan learned this the hard way. Kakuzu was amused when he found Hidan's head in the oven)

10) Do not try to braid any of the other member's hair, no matter how long it is  
>(thought Deidara was going to kill me when he woke up with braids)<p>

Not the best but w/e. Review please ^^


	2. Rules 11 to 20

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 11-20

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazz1 Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers). Thank you for adding this to your favorites Dragonbrat-LoveIsWar!

11) Dye is not allowed on base END OF DISCUSSION!

(Deidara! Next time someone dyes your hair DON'T ASSUME IT'S AUTOMATICALLY ME!)

(Yes Hidan that includes body dye)

12) If it doesn't belong with you don't touch it!

(Tobi is a good boy when he is not touching Deidara's clay at 3 in the morning)

13) If you want to keep something keep it off the floor

(If it isn't Leaders then its going in the trash)

(Yes Deidara that's what happened to your clay)

14) Do not play with Sasori's puppets

(He will get very mad)

(Especially if you try to use me as a meat shield)

15) Don't flirt with me just to make Sasori mad

(Just because I'm a captive doesn't mean I have to put up with you)

16) Stay out of the kitchen

(All trespassers will be assaulted with a frying pan, then a pissed off teenager)

17) Do not skip out on punishment

(Never know when Leaders in one of his moods)

18) Do not blame me for skipping out on your punishments

Ex: "I was helping Yanagi clean up the dishes, un!"

"I was helping that stupid bitch clean her room damn it!"

(Leader knows you aren't so don't drag me into your mess)

19) The following songs are now banned from the base:

-Anything Crazy Frog

-Gummy Bear

-GERMAN Gummy Bear

-99 bottles of sake on the wall

-I know a song

-This is the song that never ends

(TOBI!)

20) If Hidan makes you mad do not rip his head off and put it some place

(Kakuzu still is looking for the person who clogged up the toilet with Hidan's arm)

(Sasori wants to kill whoever hung his headless body in my closet)

(I don't want to know what happened with Itachi)


	3. Rules 21 to 30

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 21-30

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazz1 Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers).

21) I AM NOT A MEAT SHIELD!

(If you piss someone off grow a pair don't hide behind me)

(Because Sori will promptly beat the crap out of you)

22) Alcohol is now ban from the base

(we do not want a repeat of New Years *shudders)

23) Knock before entering a room

(Common freaking sense Hidan!)

24) If you don't want people randomly going into your room then lock the door

(I can get in because Leader gave me a master key not because I picked your lock moron)

25) Boys if you want to live leave Konan and I alone when we are having our monthly visitor

(Where you will only have a pissed off Konan and Leader the other members get pissed when they actually have to cook and clean on their own)

(Tobi nearly killed Deidara when I told him it was Deidara's fault that I wasn't making anymore cake for the rest of the month)

26) Do not scream "RAPE" at the top of your lungs unless you actually mean it

(Hidan didn't actually think I had the guts to scream that)

(And I never thought Hidan could actually run that fast)

27) If on a mission do not repeatedly ask "Are we there yet?" "How bout now?"

(NO WE ARE NOT FREAKING THERE YET SO STOP ASKING)

28) STOP THROWING ME AT PEOPLE HIDAN!

(I know I'm suppose to be a distraction but that doesn't mean shouting "LOOK A DISTRACTION!" and chucking me at enemy ninja)

(And don't get mad at me when Leader and Sori kick your butt when we get back and I complain about it)

29) Shaving people hair off is also not aloud

(I know Hidan call you a drag Deidara but that doesn't mean shave his hair off)

(NO SUPER GLUE)

30) Do not start petty fights by call each other childish names

(Once again, very amusing but Leader doesn't want to listen to it later when something gets destroyed or someone (me) gets hurt)


	4. Reason for Rule 20

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Thank you for adding this to your favorites jman9991!

I was slowly nudged into consciousness by a light shaking and opened my eyes to see a black pillow and heard, "Yanagi-chan wake up you need to go and get a start on breakfast before everyone else wakes up." Rolling over I looked up and saw Sasori looking down at me with a gentle smile on his face before sitting up and stretching sleepily and saying, "Mkay Sori-kun give me a sec to change," I got out of bed and promptly face planted on the floor. Sasori chuckled while reaching down and untangling my foot from the evil bed sheet that tied itself to my ankle, "Well aren't we feeling graceful this morning?" "Sori hush," I whimpered rubbing my face in pain, "that hurt" Sasori chuckled before leading me over to the dresser then walking towards the door, "I'll be out here when your done" "Okay see you in a second" I called at the door closed before turning around pulling out a t-shirt and some shorts before running into the bathroom and getting ready. After I finished washing up and getting dressed I scurried out the door and lock it before turning to Sasori, who linked arms with me, and started walking towards the kitchen. "Any idea on what you're making for breakfast?" he asked softly as I continued walking forward and said, "Um I was going to make toast but after Tobi got into the …. crap I forgot something" and sighed as Sasori looked down and chuckled, "I'm surprised you forgot your shoes after the butter fiasco" I sighed and turned around before saying, "I'll meet you in the kitchen after I get my shoes. If anyone is in there tell them I'll be there as soon as I find them" receiving a nod I jogged back to my room, unlocking it, and slipping in before closing the door and looking around, "Lets see, where did I put my shoes?" before sighing and looking around the entire room before walking up to the closet, "Maybe Sori put them in here and forgot to…" I don't even remember the end of that thought process as a blood curdling scream tore out of my throat as a headless body fell out of the closet and landed onto of me. I shoved the body off and shoot backwards away from it when the door suddenly crashed open making me jerk with a shriek and look up and see Deidara, whose visible eye widened, before rushing over with a, "Yanagi-chan where are you hurt, un?" "I'm not hurt Deidara-san," I managed to squeak out as he pulled me up, looking me, and opened his mouth when, "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED HERE?" my head snapped over to see the rest of the members flooding into my room with Sasori shoving his way up front followed by Leader and both ran over as Sasori started fretting, checking me head to toe, "Where are you hurt? Who hurt you..." and continued with the rapid fire questions when, "I'm not hurt this isn't my blood," "Whose blood is it" Kakuzu asked looking around before spotting the headless body lying on the floor, "Hey! Where's Hidan at?" a quick scan of the room showed one missing Jashinist. "Alright search the base and return all missing parts to Kakuzu so he can sew them back together," Leader ordered, "Sasori stay here and check the room for anymore….gifts that might be hidden" "Yes sir" and like that the room was emptied in a flash leaving only Sasori and I in the room alone. I blinked before walking over to the dirty clothes and pulled out my pajama and walking towards the bathroom when I heard, "what are you doing?" turning around I stated, "Its 7 in the morning its to early to be dealing with this crap I'm sleeping for another hour the others can fend for themselves" and closing the door. ONE HOUR LATER I got ready again before walking out with Sasori and walked into the living room and seeing a very pissed Uchiha and walked over to Kisame and asked quietly, "Why is Itachi-senpai mad?" "He found one of Hidan's arm" "Where?" "I don't know Leader asked him and Itachi-senpai just glared before storming out" "Idiot must have a death wish," turning around I saw Kakuzu walking annoyed, "Found his other arm in the toilet, Deidara found a leg and we had to fight Zetsu for the other leg" "What about his head?" I asked as Kakuzu shook his head, "Haven't found it yet" with a sigh I stood up before looking around and said, "Well sense its lunch time what do you all want?" I was answered with a chorus of grunts before rolling my eyes and saying, "Dangos, ramen and jasmine tea it is" before going into the kitchen. I opened the cabinet to get a pot and reached in when,

_Thump Thump_

I stood up and hit my head on the top of the cabinet and mumbled, "shit" before looking around and mumbled, "Must have just been hearing things," while turning around when

_Thump Thump_

Turning around again I checked around the cabinets before walking over to the freezer and opened it coming face to…head with the disembodied head known as Hidan staring at me, "H-h-hey b-b-bit-tch g-g-ge-t mmm-e o-o-ou-t-t!" I stared blankly at him before closing the freezer door and walking back out into the living room and clearing my throat loudly getting everyone's attention, "Will someone please remove Hidan's head from the freezer before it infects our food with his stupidness"

Rule 20: If Hidan makes you mad do not rip his head off and put it some place

Good? Bad? Please review and tell me what you think! Ideas are welcome and request for one-shot rules are ok! ^^


	5. Rules 31 to 40

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 31-40

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazz1 Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers). Thank you for adding me to your author alert G. S. tol Kriial and thank you for the review sasoismine and for the idea Sebastian's Servant Felicia!

31) Do not ask Kakuzu for 50% of his earnings

(even if you do deserve them he will still say no)

(and no that does NOT mean steal them)

(I had no tolerance for cleaning up the mess he made searching our rooms)

32) If you want to keep your "special reading" material don't put it where I can find it

(It will go in the trash)

(Bribery won't change a thing; it will still go into the trash)

(Only thing that it will change is the amount of money in my wallet)

33) Don't assume that if something goes missing it is automatically Tobi's fault

(You would think S-rank criminals would know a thing or two about framing other people)

(Deidara stop getting Tobi in trouble!)

34) No religion bashing

(Its his choose not you're Kakuzu)

(and if you want him to stop yelling DON'T ANATAGONIZE HIM!)

35) If a door is locked then stay the hell out!

(I locked MY door for a reason that gives you no reason to break the door bad Tobi!)

(Also if you break someone's door while they're inside prepare to get hit with some sort of blunt object or in Tobi's case just about everything that wasn't nailed down)

36) If you start a fight with another member then finish it

(and don't cry about it when you lose)

(Deidara he's already beat you before GET OVER IT!)

37) Duck tape is to be given is to be given to Leader, Sasori or a mature member

38) Do not call Zetsu "gay" or "feminine" because he likes plants

(He will find out)

(And you will disappear)

39) Hidan's head is not to be used as any of the following:

-any sort of ball especially a soccer ball

(he will bite your toes off)

-target practice

-piñata

(even thought it is very therapeutic)

40) If someone pranks you then do not take it out on everyone else

(I was stuck on the ceiling for 4 HOURS! YOU THINK IM GOING TO BE NICE AND COOK FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DUCK TAPED ME UP THERE AND LEFT ME?)

Thanks please review! Ideas are welcome!


	6. Rules 41 to 50

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 41-50

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazz1 Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers).

41) Cooking is not to be used as a form of punishment  
>(Well Leader maybe next time Kisame shouldn't go out of his way to make me miserable on a mission)<br>(and he should ask what it is before shoving it into his mouth)

42) Do not go around tell everyone Kisame is trying to overcompensate by wielding Samehara  
>(Deidara)<p>

43) If you are re-kidnapped by anyone other then a member of the Akatsuki feel free to sing any annoying some  
>-Nyan cat<br>-It's a small world  
>-Gummy Bear<br>-Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang  
>(Hidan still cringes when someone says any of the words in the song since he and Kakuzu were the one who originally brought me to the Akatsuki base)<p>

44) Speaking of which if kidnapping someone do NOT tell them that they aren't suppose to harm them. Some of us will exploit this and annoy the crap out of you the ENTIRE way there

45) Clowns and Mimes are prohibited on the bad  
>(I was shocked when Hidan of all people went after Deidara for chased me around the base dressed up as a clown)<p>

46) If someone is watching something on TV leave it alone until the show is over  
>(NO HOGGING THE TV ALL DAY THOUGH)<p>

47) No more chibi drawings of the members  
>(I cried and refused to leave my room for a week after Leader made this rule)<br>(how is it my fault Deidara can't take a joke?)

48) Hugs are also not allowed  
>(I cried again)<br>(Leader quickly changed this to glomping after Konan and I refused physical contact from anyone)

49) Do not go and find things that aren't in the rules so that way you can get away with things  
>("BUT NAGI-CHAN IT'S NOT ON THE RULE LIST!"<br>"I DON'T CARE TOBI! BAD TOBI BAD!")

50) Poking people is not allowed  
>(It is however very amusing)<p>

Good? Bad? Please review!


	7. Rules 51 to 60

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 51-60  
>I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. Inspired by Jazz1 Flynn and Tatyana Witwicky (awesome writers).<p>

51) Glow in the dark goo=bad  
>(kind of messes up night missions when Kisame's hair glows green in the dark)<p>

52) Nyan cat is only allowed to be used as torture by Leader  
>(Hidan curls up into a ball and cries every time he hears it)<p>

53) Do not sit in a corner in fetal position and rock back and forth  
>(Leader gets mad when he thinks people are ignoring his orders)<p>

54) If a member asks you if something is wrong do not:  
>-Start crying and run off<br>-Smile at them and laugh insanely  
>(the first one actually bothers them more then the second. Guess men just don't like dealing with crying females)<p>

55) Do not walk up to a member, say their name repeatedly then say hi when they snap at you  
>(all fun and games until Leader starts yelling at you)<p>

56) No one is allowed to jump on beds anymore  
>(people seriously need to get their minds out of the gutter)<br>(all though it was understandably creepy coming from Kisame's room)

57) Do not undress yourselves on the way to your room  
>(tied into Rule 56 when Kisame left a sock on his door)<p>

58) Do not tell Tobi he is a bad boy unless he's actually done something wrong  
>(felt so bad for him when I found him sobbing in a corner because of Deidara)<p>

59) No stealing Hidan's Jashin necklace  
>(don't think I've ever seen Deidara that scared)<br>(or move that fast)

60) If your going to prank someone make sure it's the right persons stuff your messing with  
>(Leader is scary enough when he's mad but add an angry Konan and your screwed)<p>

Good? Bad? Please review! Ideas are welcome! ^^


	8. Rules 61 to 70

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 61-70

Sorry I haven't posted for a while things have been really crazy

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo.

61) Snuggies are not allow  
>(I thought I was in deep when Leader walked in but he looked at Deidara, smirked and handed me a video camera and told me not put straight jackets on his members anymore)<p>

62) Sulking to get what you want doesn't work  
>(all it does is annoy everyone else around you)<p>

63) The base is not a haunted house

64) Scary Maze is forbidden  
>(Kakuzu will make you buy another one after the other members use you as a piñata but it was so worth recording Hidan scream like a girl and smash it)<p>

65) Do not learn to speak backwards  
>(Hidan will claim your possessed and try to sacrifice you Deidara)<p>

66) No zombie movies  
>(Hidan and Kakuzu are tired of people leaving brains outside their door and Zetsu is pissed because your wasting food)<p>

67) Don't play with your food

68) Better yet, don't play with anyone else's food either  
>(Sasori! It's creepy enough that Zetsu eats dead people STOP MAKING THEM CHASE PEOPLE DOWN THE HALL)<p>

69) Don't bring random manikin limbs into the base  
>(Scared Deidara pretty good with it. Kisame still screamed like a girl)<p>

70) Do not stand outside anyone's door and say their name repeatedly  
>(Hidan lost his arm and I still refuse to tell them where I put it too)<p>

Good? Bad? Please review and send ideas! ^^


	9. Rules 71 to 80

Guidelines to surviving life at the Akatsuki 71-80

I do not own Naruto or Akatsuki. All ownership goes to Masashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo.

71) Cling wrap is now banned from the base

(Kakuzu still wants to know how I managed to get Hidan onto ceiling)

(Kisame is still cleaning the base for putting Cling Wrap on Deidara's door)

72) No more dumb blonde joke

(Deidara got mad when Hidan mentioned gluing a mirror to the bottom of the river outside the base)

(Hidan got pissed at me when I comforted Deidara with the fact that Hidan had gone platinum)

73) The song "Anything you can do" is now banned from the base

(I ruptured Kisame's eardrums)

(Itachi gave me candy because of it)

74) Cup checks are now forbidden

(I almost died when Tobi cup checked Hidan)

(Good boy Tobi, _very_ good boy)

75) Just because someone is quiet doesn't mean you should try to piss them off

(Leader is still shocked that what Konan said)

(I don't think Sasori has ever dragged me out of a room faster)

76) Don't randomly shout things that come to mind

(Deidara topped everyone by shouting "boob-sniffing fart canaber")

77) Don't touch means don't touch

78) Don't touch also means don't follow someone around saying "I'm not touching you"

(I still do it anyway)

(Sasori still loves me anyway)

79) Don't walk up to someone's door and knock on it while saying their name

(They especially don't like it if when they open the door and scream "what?" you smile and say something random like spaghetti or octopus then run)

80) Don't make a game of trying to steal Tobi's mask

(Kept Hidan busy for a week before he gave up)

(Pissed everyone by asking him for a mask which he let keep)


End file.
